An Englishman in Konoha
by pupeez4eva
Summary: Itachi Uchiha is a strange child, who regularly converses with things no one else can see, drinks far too much tea, and has a strong and unyielding obsession with being the best big brother ever (or, in a world where England is reborn into the Naruto universe, Itachi ends up a little…different).
1. England arrives in Konoha

Because even countries aren't around forever, and England fully expected this day to come. There are things he'd undoubtedly miss (tea, scones…America…just a little bit…maybe…not that he _liked_ the git or anything), but he's been alive for a long time, and he isn't going to throw up a fuss.

So England dies. And it isn't as if he expected that to be the end. He just…didn't expect this.

He is a baby. A tiny, defenseless, _human_ baby.

Dear lord, what had he done to deserve this?

...

His new name is Itachi Uchiha.

It's a very Japanese sounding name, and England supposes his new appearance matches this. However, the rest of the village, despite their equally Japanese-sounding names, do not look the part. He's seen blondes, red-heads, _pink-heads_ , and it's all very confusing.

His new mother — and God, isn't that strange; it's been centuries since he's had a parental figure — laughs and pats him on the head when he tells her this (later she'll tell her husband that Itachi is talking about imaginary lands again, and Fugaku will decide that he _really_ needs to up the kids training schedule).

England inwardly mopes. No one takes him seriously anymore. He supposes that it's an after-effect of being a 3 year old child, and not a strong, powerful nation.

(Not many people took England seriously before, but he's still in denial about this).

England continues to hate his new existence for a while longer, until he catches a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror, and for once really looks.

More specifically, he _really looks_ at his eyebrows.

His wonderful, perfect, _not bushy_ eyebrows.

England lets out a very unmanly squeal and runs out of the room. Ha! Take that. No one would be making fun of his eyebrows in this lifetime.

"Itachi sweetie, what are you doing?" Mikoto asks as he hurries past.

"They're _perfect!"_

...

Mikoto's son is strange.

He drinks far too much tea, and seems obsessed with this strange food — he calls it a 'scone', but Mikoto has never heard of them before, so she's really not too sure where her young son came across them. The first time she sees one — Itachi has been hurrying around the kitchen, looking more excited than she's seen him in years — she decides that it hardly looks appetising, with it's hard, lumpy appearance.

Fugaku tries one, more to appease Itachi than out of any actual desire to taste them, and he spends the night throwing up. Mikoto decides, as much as she adores her son, she is not putting herself through that.

She _does_ however pretend to finish her scone, and conspicuously throws it out a nearby window when her son isn't looking. Itachi proceeds to direct all his scorn at Fugaku, while Mikoto is showered with adoring smiles.

She regrets nothing.

The scones probably would have made very capable weapons, but Itachi refuses to acknowledge that they are anything less than perfect, let alone downright terrible.

The scones stay. Mikoto makes sure to be conveniently standing by a window every time her son hands her one. After all, a few white lies never hurt anyone.

(A few years later, a violently sick ANBU team would beg to differ).

...

When England finds out he is going to have a new little brother, he proceeds to get very, very drunk.

After all, his last experience of being a big brother hadn't ended well. Being reborn as a human (and, well, he'd mostly come to accept this, but that didn't mean he wasn't bitter from time to time) had done nothing to dull his ire at the memory of that _bloody_ revolution.

He imagines all sorts of different scenarios — his new little brother (who, despite the fact that he knew this would be _very_ unlikely, has blonde hair, blue eyes, and looks suspiciously like America whenever he conjures up these images) screaming that he wanted nothing to do with him, taking his tea and scones and dumping them in the river (because there didn't seem to be any harbours nearby, thank god for small miracles), his little brother _declaring war on him_ (who cares if they didn't have any armies, _he had a right to be worried)._

So he was stressed, and annoyed, and so what if he was only six years old? Technically he was far older than anyone in this village, and he'd been a _bloody pirate,_ so anyone who had an issue with this could go to Hell, for all he cared.

So that's how Fugaku Uchiha finds his son, blubbering incoherently after breaking into his father's alcohol stash.

He is not amused.

 _" — and then he just — goes and says he doesn't want to be my brother anymore — well screw him, I don't need him around, I'm the United Bloody Kingdom, you know…I…damn him…I did so much for him, so WHAT if I left him for a few years here and there, I WAS A BLOODY EMPIRE, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO ANY BETTER!"_

"Are you _drunk?!"_ Fugaku roars, when he's come to terms with the fact that yes, this is his _six year old son,_ completely wasted, and bawling his eyes out.

 _"YES!_ Yes I am! Drunk on the pain of being _ABANDONED BY THAT UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT! I AM A GREAT EMPIRE, AND I WAS A PIRATE, AND — AND — I HAVE MAGIC DAMMIT!"_

 _"Mikoto!"_ Fugaku yells, because he was _not_ dealing with this alone. Mikoto seemed to have a better handle on their strange son anyway.

His son sniffs. "F-f-flying Mint Bunny, we're going to show them how great we are!"

The boy is talking to the empty space by his head.

Yes, Fugaku is _definitely_ not dealing with this.

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **So this will mostly likely just be a few chapters long, and the whole thing will mainly just consist of mini-drabbles. Sasuke will be coming in the next chapter.**

 **I don't really know how a nation would be reborn as a human haha, but I got this idea, and I had to write it, so…well, it's fanfiction. I'm not going to be too nitpick-y xD**

 **Hope you enjoy it, and tell me what you think!**


	2. Little brothers

It turns out that being a big brother again really isn't such a bad thing.

In fact, England will go as far as to say that it is the highlight of his new life.

(Ask anyone else, and they'd say it was his obsession).

Sasuke is adorable, and decidedly not blonde-haired or blue-eyed, which also helps things. His hobbies consist of training, eating tomatoes, and following his big brother around.

The last one seems to be his favourite one of all. England loves him even more when he realises this.

Because here he has a little brother who _adores_ him, and it's like having the best parts of America back, without the annoying "I'm a hero!" rants, and the lack of personal boundaries, and, worst of all, the demands for independence.

Sasuke Uchiha doesn't want independence. He wants to have his big brother around, all day, every day, and England is completely fine with that.

Sure, as Itachi Uchiha, he does have certain obligations. He's a prodigy after all, and the hope for the Uchiha clan (as his father likes to remind him _constantly_ , despite how downright miserable - and, at times, horrified - the man seems to be whenever he says this). He's human now, but that doesn't mean he's going to slack off, and allow people to think he is weak. He was England, once one of the greatest empires there was, and being Itachi Uchiha doesn't hinder that need to prove himself.

But. Well. He's not a nation anymore, and that rids him of most of his obligations from his previous life. It's shocking how different you feel when you no longer embody every living being in your nation.

It means he can _actually_ be a brother this time. For the first time since coming to this new world, England can say, wholeheartedly, that it's not so bad after all.

...

Fugaku is done. He is _done._

 _"Itachi!"_

His son glances up, from where he had been training with Sasuke. His youngest son is beaming at his eldest, adoration shining in his eyes.

It's cute and all, but that brotherly bond is seriously ruining Fugaku's plans for his sons and clan, and he needs to _do something._

"You skipped another clan meeting!" he says furiously. His son seems unbothered by this, and Fugaku's anger spikes.

"Oh yes, I apologise for that," Itachi says. "Sasuke asked if he could train with me."

Sasuke stares up at Itachi with wide eyes. "I'm sorry nii-san! I didn't know you were busy!"

Itachi smiles indulgently, and shakes his head. "Don't worry about it. This is far more important."

 _"No it isn't!"_ Fugaku roars.

...

Shortly after joining ANBU, England is called to the Hokage's office, alongside a few of his fellow ANBU members.

The meeting proceeds for about five minutes, before England interrupts with a stunned, "wait, you people _actually_ take these things seriously?"

Everyone turns to stare at him, and there are baffled and confused stares all around (except for the few ANBU members who had long since grown accustomed to Itachi Uchiha's strange habits).

"I'm just slightly confused," he says, addressing the Hokage. "You see, I was expecting more…"

He pauses, thoughtfully. Everyone stares at him.

"…screaming maybe? People trying to hit each other? Idiotic suggestions that don't actually mean anything? People discussing every topic other than _the one that we are actually supposed to discuss?"_

Needless to say, England is soon reminded that this place is _very_ different from the world he left behind.

(Hiruzen Sarutobi decides that Itachi is different from any Uchiha he's ever met. He's not fully sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet).

...

The first time England meets Naruto Uzumaki, he is whistling cheerily to himself, and walking through the village, carrying a large container of scones. He'd made a batch yesterday, and had misjudged the amount of leftovers he'd have. Since he was _not_ going to allow all these scones to go to waste, he'd decided to drop them off at Sasuke's school, so that his little brother could share them with his classmates.

(Sasuke, of course, would not be doing this. He may love his big brother enough to pretend to actually like his scones - Mikoto had given him numerous tips on how to do this convincingly, and the best ways to subtly avoid actually eating them - and he may find his classmates weak and annoying, but he didn't dislike them enough to _kill_ them. Not even the annoying fangirls).

So England is dreamily thinking of his little brother's adoring stare, as he thanks him for the scones, and happily distributes them among his classmates (who all rave about how _delicious_ they are), when he is bowled over by little ball of yellow and orange.

The container falls to the floor, and splits open, his scones scattering everywhere.

England looks up, his eyes wide. The orange-yellow-ball is actually a child. England's eyes flit over the orange jumpsuit, and focus on the blonde hair and blue eyes.

 _'America,'_ he thinks, and a pit forms in his stomach. But this is not America - other than the hair, which is actually a lot brighter than his former little brother's, and the blue eyes, there are few similarities.

"Sorry!" the kid yells. Well. He's certainly loud like America. "Iruka-sensei is going to _kill_ me if I'm late for class again, and I can't become Hokage if I'm dead! So I'll just - ooh, what's this?"

The kid picks up a scone, and takes a large bite. England watches him, his eyes wide.

"Hey these are actually really good," the kid says, his cheeks bulging as he struggled to swallow. "Not as good as ramen obviously, but — hey, mister, are you alright?"

England stares at him. "You…like them?"

(Because sure, he likes to _believe_ that everyone likes his scones, but...well).

"Well…yeah." The kid laughs, and rubs the back of his neck. "But I think they need something else…"

"…Tea?" England whispers.

"Hmm?" The kid's brow furrows. "Uh…maybe? Sure, yeah."

England makes a strange squeaking noise. His hands clasp together, and his eyes shine.

The kid frowns.

"Are you _sure_ you're okay?"

From that day on, Naruto becomes England's honorary little brother. It's almost like claiming a new colony, he thinks gleefully, just without baggage that comes with being a nation. And sure, the blonde reminds him uncomfortably of America, both in appearance and personality, but England dealt with far greater challenges in the past.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **So this is probably going to be a lot longer than the three chapters I initially planned for it. I'm having way too much fun with this.**

 **And thanks to everyone who took the time to read this, and thank you for all your lovely comments :) Hope you enjoy this chapter!**


	3. Two little colonies

England's plans to make Naruto his new little brother seem to be going off without a hitch, until he finds out that Naruto and Sasuke can't stand each other.

It's very worrying.

He decides that he needs to do something _now_ , and organises a quick meet-up (which basically consists of him cheerfully dragging Sasuke to Naruto's apartment, and announcing that the three of them were now brothers).

"But _nii-san!"_ Sasuke complains. "I don't want the _him_ to be my brother!"

Naruto scowls. "Yeah, well, like I want _you."_

"Naruto is our new little brother," England says firmly. Because the boy likes scones (and reminds him of America, a treacherous part of his mind whispers), and there's no _way_ England is saying no to that.

Sasuke pouts, and England resists the urge to squish his cheeks together. He really is too adorable.

"But — you can't just _make_ someone your brother!"

"Of course you can," England argues. Naruto is starting to look a bit despondent, and he can't have that. "You see — let me tell you a story."

Sasuke and Naruto sit down on the floor, cross-legged. England sits down in front of them.

"A man once found a little boy in a field. He decided to make that boy his little brother."

"…And?" Sasuke ventures, his brow furrowed.

"And nothing. That's the end of the story." England smiles. "You see — _anyone_ can be your little brother or sister! Although, make sure you choose very wisely, or that little sibling will betray you, and declare _war on you._ And then they will write you _horrid_ letters. And throw all your tea in a harbour."

Naruto and Sasuke look horrified.

"We'd never do that to you, Itachi-nii!" Naruto cries. Sasuke nods fervently.

England fights the urge to squeal, because honestly, they are just _too_ cute. Had America ever been this way? England was sure he had, once upon a time, which made the memories of that blasted revolution all the more painful.

Well. He has a new life here, and a new brother (two brothers now), so there was no point in dwelling on the past.

"This is really like claiming a new colony…" He murmurs, and doesn't realise he's spoken aloud until Sasuke interrupts him with a confused, "nii-san, what's a colony?"

England hums thoughtfully. "Hmm…well…colonies are all the little brothers and sisters you adopt." Well. Close enough. After all, his colonies had been like younger siblings to him. Ignore the politics, wars, and the fact that they were anthropomorphic masses of land, and his explanation fit perfectly.

Naruto's expression lights up. "So I'm your colony?"

England giggles.

(Sasuke and Naruto exchange exasperated glances, and think, _'Itachi-nii is being weird again.'_ Oh well. He's still the best brother ever in their opinion, weird quirks and all).

...

Sakura somehow becomes the next 'colony', and it's all thanks to Naruto.

It starts like this: Sasuke and Naruto find Sakura crying in the park. Naruto decides to approach, because this is Sakura-chan and he likes Sakura-chan.

Sasuke tries to drag him away, because this is _Sakura_ , and he does _not_ like Sakura.

Sakura is a fangirl. Fangirls are scary. That's what Sasuke believes, and Itachi-nii has told him the same thing, so it must be true (Itachi-nii also tells him to stay away from frogs, but Sasuke's still not too sure why).

"She's crying, teme!" Naruto whispers. "You're not supposed to just let girls cry!"

"She's a _fangirl!"_ Sasuke argues.

(In the end they do approach her, because Naruto ignores all of Sasuke's protests, and Sasuke doesn't like being ignored).

It takes a lot badgering on Naruto's part (Sakura does not like Naruto very much. Naruto is oblivious to this fact), until Sakura realises that Sasuke is standing with Naruto, and then her fangirl senses go off, and she's too busy frantically wiping the tears off her cheeks to keep glaring at Naruto.

It turns out some kids had been teasing her because of her civilian background. Apparently all good shinobi come from _clans._

Sasuke honestly thinks it's a silly thing to cry over, but Sakura has finally stopped crying, so he keeps his mouth shut.

A few moments later he regrets this decision, because Naruto is declaring that Sakura can join the Uchiha clan if she likes, and Sasuke thinks, ' _oh god no.'_

"No she can't!" he hisses, not even caring if Sakura can hear. "She can't just _join_ my clan!"

"Why not?" Naruto says, seeming genuinely confused. "She can just become a colony like me!"

Sakura's brow furrows in confusion. "A colony?"

"Yeah!" Naruto nods enthusiastically. "Itachi-nii says you can have as many little brothers and sisters as you want that way! So we'll just go to and ask Itachi-nii to make you a colony too, and then those kids can't make fun of you anymore! _Believe it!"_

Sakura beams. Sasuke internally wails.

...

Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura head to Sasuke's house the next day. Sasuke had told Itachi about Sakura (because if he didn't, he knew that Naruto would, and there was no way he was letting the dobe take the credit for anything), and Itachi had told him to invite her over.

Sasuke silently resigned himself to the fact that there was no way out of this, especially since his brother, being the kind, amazing person he was, wouldn't abandon anyone, even if it was a creepy fangirl.

The first thing Itachi says when he sees Sakura is, "do you like scones?"

"What's a…scone?" Sakura asks, her brow furrowing.

Itachi disappears into the house, because, of course, he's prepared some ahead of time. As soon as he's gone, Sasuke turns to Sakura, his eyes wide in alarm. He might think she's weird and annoying, but Itachi's scones are dangerous (except to Naruto, for some reason), and he doesn't want her _dead._

"When he gives you the scone," he says, urgently, "I'll distract him, and you throw it in that bush."

"What?" Sakura looks confused. "Why?"

"Because they're _deadly."_

Sakura pales. "What?! B-but why does he want to kill me?"

"He doesn't," Sasuke replies. "Itachi-nii's too nice to do that. He just doesn't know. My cousin Shisui even had to go to the hospital once."

(Shisui still doesn't know how to get rid of the scones without Itachi noticing. Sasuke supposes he couldn't blame him _too_ much, because maybe if Kaa-san hadn't been training him since he'd been old enough to know what a scone was, he'd be just as bad).

"I like them," Naruto interjects, while Sakura pales in horror.

...

Their plan goes off without a hitch.

Sasuke watches as Itachi hands Sakura a scone, and then he makes his move.

"Nii-san! Look, it's Flying Mint Bunny!" He points in the opposite direction. Sasuke has long since resigned himself to the fact that his nii-san can be very weird, and that he sometimes sees things that aren't there (mostly, it's just Flying Mint Bunny. Tou-san gets a funny look on his face whenever Itachi mentions him).

It doesn't mean his nii-san isn't still _amazing_ though.

Itachi's eyes widen, and he turns around. Sakura throws the scone (Sasuke is almost impressed by how fast she moves. If she ever stops being a weird fangirl, maybe he'll ask her if she wants to do some kunai training sometime), and Naruto shoots it a mournful glance.

Itachi turns back, and laughs. "I can't believe I forgot - Flying Mint Bunny is taking a quick trip outside of Konoha for a few days. He wants to do some sight-seeing."

Yeah, Sasuke's brother is _really_ weird sometimes.

Itachi glances at Sakura, and his eyes widen. "Oh my, you finished your scone already!"

"It was delicious," Sakura lies.

Itachi makes a weird squeaking noise.

"Am I a colony yet?" Sakura demands, apparently forgetting that she is in the presence of her crush, and her crush's big brother.

Itachi squeaks again, Naruto yells "believe it!", and Sasuke sighs.

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **So basically, if it's in England's POV I'll refer to him as 'England' and if it's in someone else's POV I'll refer to him as 'Itachi' (most of this chapter was in Sasuke's pov, so he was referred to as "Itachi" throughout a lot of it. Because Sasuke, obviously, wouldn't know about England).**

 **But anyway, hope you enjoy this, and tell me what you think :) This chap was a lot longer than what I'd initially planned haha…and more like an actual chapter, than a set of smaller drabbles.**

 **Oh and also, someone asked if I'm planning on having other Hetalia characters in this - I'm not planning on having any in the main story, but I did want to have a few chapters that weren't actually part of the main story where this happens.**

 **And before I end this authors note before it drags on for way too long - what sort of things would you guys like to see in this fic?**


	4. Shisui meets Itachi

**Shisui meets Itachi**

The first time Shisui meets Itachi, he decides that his cousin is the cutest thing he's ever seen. Itachi has big dark eyes, and lots of floppy dark hair, and is absolutely _tiny._ It takes all of Shisui's control not to pinch his cheeks.

His control only extends so far though, and he can't stop himself from squealing, "oh my god, you're so _cute!"_

"I know that," his cousin says, pouting, and, _oh my god, so, SO damn cute!_ "But what about my _eyebrows?"_

Shisui blinks. "…What?"

"My eyebrows," Itachi repeats.

(Of course Shisui doesn't know this, but England has only just realised how gloriously not-bushy his eyebrows are. It's his absolute favourite thing about this knew life. That, and his glorious locks. He has to admit, even for a child, he is quite aesthetically pleasing in this life).

"They're…very nice?" Shisui isn't really sure what to say about that. He hadn't even spared a second thought about Itachi's _eyebrows._

Itachi frowns. "You don't seem so sure," he says, accusingly.

"…Do you want to train?" And please, _please,_ don't let his adorable little cousin hate him. Not only because Shisui genuinely wants Itachi to like him, but also because Aunt Mikoto and Uncle Fugaku would probably kill him.

Shisui likes being alive.

Itachi sighs. "Fine. We can train."

Shisui beams, deciding that all is not lost after all.

...

It takes England about a month to decide that he likes Shisui Uchiha after all. At first, he isn't sure, because people didn't always reveal their annoying quirks immediately (it had taken England a little over five minutes to realise that France was a horrid pervert, after all. It was something that he was still very embarrassed about). But Shisui, despite being almost annoyingly cheerful at times, isn't unpleasant to be around. In fact, he'll go as far as to say that he considers the older male (or younger, if he was going to be technical) his first real friend here.

It's almost like having a big brother. That's not exactly a new thing for England, but in his experience older siblings meant a drunken Scots, mocking jeers from a Welshman and an Irishman, and, of course, his childhood 'brother figure' France, who ended up being a nothing more than a perverted Frog.

So yes, older brothers mean _bad things_ (and he supposes his experiences with younger brothers hadn't been much better…although Whats-His-Face, who looked disturbingly like America, hadn't been too bad). But Shisui seems genuinely nice, and seems to genuinely care from him. Also, he doesn't seem like a pervert, which is a huge bonus.

He tells him this while they're heading back to the compound. Shisui had taken him out for dango (which were _almost_ as good as scones), and England had permitted him to give him a piggy-back on the way back to the Uchiha compound (he'd complained a bit for show, of course, but he'd inwardly squealed; piggy-backs were simply _marvelous)._

"Shisui," he says, his mouth full of dango.

Shisui smiles at him. "Yes?"

"…This is nice."

Shisui's smile widens (and inwardly, he squeals. Oh, his baby cousin is just _too_ cute).

"It's nice to have an older brother figure who isn't a pervert," England continues. Shisui continues to beam at him, apparently very excited to be considered his precious little cousin's _big brother,_ and then the rest what England has said catches up with him, and he freezes in horror.

England, oblivious to this, continues to eat his dango.

(Shisui's eyes narrow, and he decides that his baby cousin must be protected at all costs. Also, when he found out who dared display that behaviour around Itachi, _they would pay)._

 _..._

 **Omake: Shisui meets Britannia Angel  
**

His cousin is yelling for him to wait, alarm and horror in his eyes, and Shisui feels a wave of regret for making Itachi watch this. He wishes there was another way, but his cousin _needs_ to know. It's all in his hands now.

It doesn't mean Shisui doesn't regret leaving all of this on his cousin's shoulders, especially since Itachi seems to be breaking under the strain.

(He's lost count of all the times he's found his cousin sobbing drunkenly about how he _hates_ coups, and how this reminds him _way_ too much of that _'blasted revolution.'_ And then something about tea, and stupid Americans. Whatever _that_ meant).

But. Well. His cousin is a capable shinobi, and Shisui _knows_ he can do this. He knows his cousin will protect the honour of their clan, and protect their village.

So he says, _"don't stop me Itachi,",_ smiles, and throws himself backwards of the cliff. He keeps his eyes closed as he falls, feels the air rushing around him, and thinks _'this is it.'_ It's not how he thought he would die, and he can't say he's ready for this, but it's what he needs to do. To protect his village, and to protect his clan, he can do this.

And then there's a sudden jolt, and he's not falling anymore (he's pretty sure he's going to feel this later though, because he doesn't think his neck is supposed to jerk that way).

He opens his eyes, and then realises that he shouldn't be able to do that. Because Danzo ripped one of his eyes out, and he ripped the other one out, so — seriously, what?

He then realises he is floating midair, and that someone is holding him.

And then he realises _who_ is holding him, and any thoughts of flying, and magically regenerating eyes vanish, because, _what the absolute fuck is his cousin wearing?!_

Itachi deposits him back on the cliff, and gives him a unimpressed look. All Shisui can see are the huge fluffy wings, and the star-tipped wand, and the _toga._

 _Itachi was wearing toga._

"Suicide Shisui — _really?"_ Itachi says, his eyes narrowed. "You're lucky I was able to change into my Britannia Angel form, and grab you before you hit the water. I'd rather _not_ get my outfit wet. As great as this is, getting wet when you are wearing thin white material is _not_ a good idea."

Shisui's mouth opens and closes.

"What's wrong?" Itachi frowns for a brief moment, and then his eyes widen in realisation. _"Oh._ Your eyes? It's alright, I used my magic to regrow them for you."

Shisui chokes.

"Yes, yes, impressive, I know. But hardly the most difficult thing I've ever done. After all, I once turned Korea into a child. And summoned a _demon_. Well — Russia, but he is very demonic, and I'm sure all the other nations would agree with me." A sigh. "But enough of this — we really need to figure out what we are going to do about this coup. And Danzo, because I'm not sure how I feel about taking orders from someone who ripped your eye out of its socket —

Shisui decides he'll use the near-death experience as an excuse, and promptly passes out.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **So…here's another chapter xD Shit, I am having WAY too much fun with this story. I really need to work on my other ones.**

 **Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter. I didn't realise how fun it would be to write Shisui. The last part isn't actually part of the story, but I thought I'd include some AU/non-canon scenes for this story, because I have so many ideas (these will include having other countries being reborn as other Naruto characters. Ive already planned a Sasuke-is-America drabble for later on because…well. Could you imagine England's reaction to that?).**

 **Thank you for all your lovely comments, and thanks for taking the time to read!**


	5. Ino meets the new Uchiha's

**Ino meets the new Uchihas**

Ino Yamanaka is fuming.

It hasn't been long since Sakura, her best friend, had transformed into Forehead, her arch enemy, and Ino has firmly decided that the sacrifice is necessary for her future as Mrs. Sasuke Uchiha.

Sakura is fun and all, but Sasuke-kun is just so _sexy_ (it was a word she'd learned from her older cousin. Apparently it meant 'very good looking' which Sasuke-kun definitely was). Even tou-san agrees, because when Ino had brought this up the night before, he'd gone all red, and had started choking. If that wasn't a show of agreement, then she didn't know what was, and it made her all the more determined to achieve her goals.

She was _sure_ she was going to win. Sasuke-kun may not pay her much attention at the moment, but Ino has pretty hair, and a normal-sized forehead, and she'd managed to sit behind Sasuke-kun in class the other day. He'd even glanced in her direction, even though Forehead claimed he was just looking at the clock at the back of the room.

But then Sakura walks into class, and she's _talking to Sasuke-kun_ (and that orange weirdo, but Ino doesn't care about him). And then she goes and sits with Sasuke, and all Ino can think is, _'how could this HAPPEN?!'_

Later, she corners Sakura before she can leave, and demands to know why Sasuke-kun is talking to her.

Sakura smiles. "I'm an Uchiha now."

 _"What?!"_ Ino shrieks. "You're lying!"

"I am not!" Sakura snaps, the smug look fading to one of annoyance. "Itachi-nii made me his colony, so I'm an _Uchiha_ now. And don't say I'm lying Ino, because Itachi-nii is smarter than _you_ , and he said so!"

('Itachi-nii' had also nearly killed her with scones, but Sakura leaves that part out).

She _does_ say, "Sasuke-kun saved my life", because there's no way she's not rubbing _that_ in Ino's face.

Ino goes home, and proceeds to freak out, because _who is she if not the future Mrs. Uchiha?!_

She spends the next few days desperately trying to find out all she can about Itachi Uchiha. Apparently this mysterious boy has the power to make people Uchiha's, and Ino _needs_ this. She has never wanted anything so badly in her life (except for Sasuke-kun, of course, but this would get her that much closer).

She finds out a few things:

1\. Itachi is Sasuke-kun's big brother  
2\. He has an imaginary friend called 'Flying Mint Bunny'  
3\. He has _really_ nice hair  
4\. He's super smart, and super strong

Ino decides that, _no matter what_ , she will become an honorary member of the Uchiha clan. And to do that, she's going to need Itachi Uchiha's help. From the information she'd gathered, she realises there are a few things she'll need for this to happen:

1\. Good hair (which she already has)  
2\. An imaginary friend (because no one else in the village has an imaginary friend like Itachi does, so maybe he'd like her more if she did)  
3\. She'll need to be _strong_. Because then he'll be impressed, and he'll be begging her to be his colony (she's still not sure what a colony is, but apparently that's what Forehead is, so that's what she's going to be too).

Ino smiles. Yes, that's what she'll do.

It takes Inoichi a few days to realise that his daughter hasn't mentioned Sasuke Uchiha much, and that she seems to be taking her training far more seriously than she had in the past (when he tries to casually ask her, she yells something along the lines of "sorry Tou-san, busy right now, need to get strong!"). She also keeps talking about something called "Flying Pink Kitty" but Inoichi just figures it's a doll of hers, or something.

It doesn't matter. _Anything_ that stops his little girl from talking about/thinking about/associating with boys is welcome.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **Okay so I intended to include another drabble here, but this ended up being longer than I expected, so I decided to save it for the next chap.**

 **So...yeah, I'm including way more characters in this, especially a lot of the younger generation, because...well. This story started with me fully intending for it to be focused solely on Sasuke and Itachi, then expanded to Sasuke, Itachi and Naruto, then to Sasuke, Naruto, Itachi and Sakura, and now I just want Itachi to be everyone's big brother.**

 **Soooo any suggestions for what you guys would like to see in this fic? Which characters you'd like him to meet next? And I'm going to have more of Itachi and Sasuke in the next chapter.  
**

 **Also, I don't plan for the massacre to happen in this fic, but the reason why might not be revealed for a while. But the reason I'm telling you now is because I fully intend to post little AU/non-canon bits for this story, and I want to include my original ending for this, back when this was only going to be a one-shot (where Itachi/England has an...interesting reaction/response to news of the coup).**

 **Anyway, hope you enjoy this, and thank you to everyone who has been reading so far! And thank you for all your lovely comments!**


	6. AU - An American in Konoha

**AN:**

 **Okay, so this chapter isn't actually part of the official story. Like I said before, I wanted to include some AU stuff (like that thing with Shisui and Britannia Angel). Hope you enjoy this :)**

 **...**

 **AU - An American in Konoha (or, the one where America is reborn into the Naruto world, and England is in deep, deep denial).**

It starts with his brother's first words.

England is sitting with little Sasuke, who, in his opinion, is the best thing ever. His brother's birth is undoubtedly the highlight of his new existence. England watches Sasuke, and Sasuke watches him with those adorable big eyes of him.

"Okay then," England says, leaning forward eagerly. "Say _big brother."_

Sasuke gives him a toothy grin, and says, "I hee."

England sighs dejectedly. Those strange noises seem to be the only sounds his brother can manage, and as hard as he'd tried to find a way to make them sound like 'big brother' ("h was only six letters after 'b', so perhaps his brother really meant bee, as in _'bee-rother'…),_ he'd soon realised that these ridiculous lines of thought were above him, and had returned to his mission.

Sasuke's first words _would be big brother._

And then, eventually, those babyish sounds transform into something else. And it certainly isn't "big brother."

 _"I hee."_

 _"I th hee."_

 _"I tha hee."_

And then, finally, words that strike deep into England's soul, and would have sent him spiraling into a deep depression/nightmare filled existence (probably accompanied by plenty of drunken nights) had he not immediately gone into denial, and pretended that he'd never heard them.

 _"I tha hee-oh."_

England's mind immediately fills with images of a blond idiot screaming _"I'm the hero!",_ and with a frozen smile, and glassy eyes, he suggests that he and Sasuke go and get dango.

(He completely forgets that his baby brother can't exactly _eat_ dango yet).

...

Sasuke grows up, and England continues to block those horrific first words from his mind. It goes fairly well at first (despite the dead-eyed look he shoots anyone who so much as mentions the word "hero").

But now that Sasuke is older, he begins to regularly make comments that seem disturbingly familiar. The first time this happens, a four year old Sasuke gazes almost wistfully out the window, and says, "man, I wonder if Tony could come here."

England freezes for a moment, and then decides that 'Tony' is probably just a friend of his brother's, and definitely _not_ a little grey alien. Nope. _Definitely not._

Disturbingly familiar comment number 2 goes something like this: "I miss McDonalds _so_ much."

England decides that he must have mentioned McDonalds in one of his nightmares. His father has complained that he talks aloud in his sleep, and that it was unbecoming for the future heir of the Uchiha clan (Fugaku always sounded very unhappy when he mentioned the words "heir" in conjunction with his eldest son).

Then one day Sasuke comes running towards him, dressed in a very familiar brown jacket, and England feels his insides turn to ice.

"Do you like it?" Sasuke turns around, grinning widely. "I never thought I'd find one like my old one, but I _did!_ I had to change it a bit, and add a few things, but — "

England faints.

When he wakes up, Sasuke (not America, _not America!)_ is screaming, _"I swear, I didn't mean to kill you!"_ and shaking England violently. He isn't wearing the jacket anymore, so England decides it was all just a bad dream.

(Of course, the jacket is currently being used as a make-shift pillow, but England doesn't realise that until much later. And even then, denial is bliss).

...

Eventually England can't ignore it any longer.

First, there's the throwaway comment when England mentions Flying Mint Bunny — "Flying Mint Bunny? Iggy used to have an imaginary friend like that!"

 _(Damn_ that blasted nickname!).

And then…

"Itachi, that looks like English food! Why are you making _English_ food? We're Japanese, aren't we?"

England, who has just laid a plate of scones out in front of his brother (his mother, for some reason, had always told him to wait until his brother was "old enough to appreciate his scones." England finds that a bit odd, but Mikoto _adores_ his scones, so he supposes that she knows what she's talking about), feels his eye twitch.

"We're from Konoha," he says stiffly, trying to block out the part of his mind that is screaming _"he should NOT know what Japan is!"_

Sasuke blinks. "What's Konoha?"

England's eye twitches again. "The place we are _living in."_

"…What really? I thought we were in Japan. They have that really cool ramen stuff there — Japan got some for me once when I was visiting — "

 _"NO YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT - NO!"_

Sasuke closes his mouth, and stares at him in shock. England takes a few calming breaths, and tries to remind himself that this is his precious little brother, and _not_ the…other one.

"Eat your scones," he says, with forced calm, and leaves the room.

...

One hour, and one panic attack later, he comes to terms with the fact that this is probably America.

(The sight of him standing on tip-toes in the kitchen, putting together something that bore strong resemblance to a hamburger, was also a real eye-opener).

 _'Fine then,'_ England decides. So, Sasuke is America. He can live with that. After all, there was a time when America was innocent, sweet, and adored his big brother. England just needs a way to…trap him in that state. Forever.

He can do that.

He smiles, nods, and walks back into the kitchen.

...

That doesn't mean he isn't going to take precautionary measures.

The next time he sees his parents, he smiles his best _'I'm-an-innocent-child-and-not-the-former-personification-of-a-centuries-old-nation'_ smile, and says, "can I have another little brother?"

Fugaku glares, while Mikoto giggles, and says something about how adorable her son is.

England smiles, pleased with himself, and walks away.

...

Fugaku decides that his second son is loud, annoying, and his insistence about being 'the hero' makes him want to set something on fire.

But. Well. At least this one doesn't talk to invisible flying green bunnies, or try to poison his clan-members, or break into his alcohol stash. His second son is annoying, but his first son is mentally unstable. So, Fugaku supposes it could have been _a lot_ worse.


	7. Shisui and the scones

**3 Times Shisui tried to get rid of Itachi's scones (and one time he realised there was really no point in trying).**

If asked about the one thing he feared most in the world, Shisui would think for a moment, and then reply, in a firm voice: "The scones."

If the asker had never met Itachi Uchiha, they'd simply feel confused, and think, _'what the hell is a scone?'_

(They are the lucky ones).

The ones who _did_ know Itachi Uchiha would pale in horror, and quickly change the topic. Because _no one_ wants to think about Itachi Uchiha's scones (other than Naruto of course, but he was always a strange one).

In Shisui's opinion, most of these people are also the 'lucky ones', because they aren't Itachi's best friend. While he adores his cousin with every fiber of his being…the boy has no idea how deadly his cooking really is.

Shisui fears the scones because he's learnt, over time, that there is simply no getting rid of them.

 **1\. Throwing up**

The first time he tries one of Itachi's scones is a few weeks after he first meets his little cousin. Shisui still hasn't gotten used to how absolutely _adorable_ the younger boy is, so when he visits Itachi's house, and the boy offers him one of the seemingly innocent things, he squeals something about how Itachi is the cutest thing ever, and shoves the entire scone into his mouth.

He is too focused on his cousin to notice the horrified look that crosses Fugaku's face, or the look of pity on Mikoto's.

He chews.

Swallows.

And then promptly throws up on his shoes.

There is a moment of silence, in which Shisui gags, and Itachi stares at him in wide-eyed shock and dismay.

Shisui takes one look at his cousin's hurt expression, and makes the worst decision _ever_.

"Sorry," he chokes. "I think it was what I had for breakfast. I've been feeling sick ever since then."

For a moment, it's almost worth it for the look of relief and happiness on Itachi's face.

And then his cousin hurries to the kitchen, and comes out with a whole _tray_ of the awful things (Mikoto and Fugaku step back in alarm, and Mikoto's eyes flicker around for appropriate scone-hiding places).

"It's okay," Itachi says, holding the tray out. Shisui tries to hide his horror. "There are plenty more where that came from!"

 **2\. Under the table**

The next time, Shisui is prepared. Mikoto has already warned him that he's not actually supposed to eat the things, so while Itachi isn't looking, Shisui quickly drops his scone under the table.

"I'm finished," he says, when Itachi turns around.

Itachi looks surprised. "What, already?"

Shisui nods, and smiles. "Yes," he says. "It was so good, I ate the whole thing in one go."

Itachi smiles, and Shisui feels relief. Obviously, he has done the right thing.

Then his cousin's eyes drift downwards, and his brow furrows, and Shisui feels dread shoot through him.

He glances down, and inwardly curses. He hasn't concealed the scone well enough, and it is clearly visible on the floor.

He glances at Itachi, and schools his expression into the most innocent look he can muster. Itachi shakes his head, looking disappointed.

"Oh Shisui," he sighs. "I understand. You didn't have to lie to me."

Shisui swallows. "You do?" He feels hope. Maybe things aren't as bad as everyone makes them out to be. Maybe Itachi will truly let this go, and that will be the end of this scone-filled nightmare.

Itachi smiles. "Yes. You accidentally dropped your scone, and you were afraid to tell me. Don't worry though — there's plenty more where that came from."

Itachi holds out a tray of scones.

Shisui inwardly wails.

 **3\. Out the window**

Mikoto tells him he needs to stand by a window, and throw the thing out the moment Itachi's back is turned.

He's seen Mikoto doing it with such swift movements that he's pretty sure she's had a lot of practice. He's not sure whether to be awed or concerned.

Sasuke is ridiculously good at it too, but that's only to be expected — Mikoto's pretty much been training him since he was old enough to know what a scone was.

Shisui decides to follow Mikoto's actions, because she's obviously at expert. He throws the scone.

It hits the window, and topples to the floor, because of course — the thing just _had_ to be closed.

Itachi turns around.

 **And one time he realised there truly was no escape.**

Shisui eventually realises that there is truly no escape.

It happens like this: Shisui realises that it's time he tells Itachi the truth. He _can_ ' _t_ do this anymore. Obviously getting rid of the scones isn't an option, because, for some reason, it's _impossible_. He considers himself a pretty damn good shinobi, and yet he can't seem to get rid of those scones. It makes no sense.

Well. He just needs to tell Itachi the truth. He loves his cousin, but this has gone on long enough.

"Itachi," he says, "I don't like your scones."

Shisui feels proud of himself.

Itachi turns around, staring at him in shock.

Shisui loses his nerve.

"Haha," he laughs. "Just kidding! I got dared to say that by…Sasuke."

Itachi blinks, looking confused. Then, he simply nods his head, and goes back to what he was doing.

Shisui realises then that there is truly no escape. Because he is too damn nice to actually _tell_ Itachi the truth, and, because of that, he would have to suffer in silence.

(Which, considering England's opinion on his cooking, was probably a good thing in the long run).

Shisui resigns himself to a life of scone-filled misery. Oh well. Itachi was just a kid — maybe this was just a phase. Maybe he'd get over it when he got older, and they could all say goodbye to those horrible things.

(It was a nice thought anyway).


	8. AU - The Uchiha Massacre

**AU - The Uchiha Massacre**

The day England finds out about the planned Uchiha massacre, he proceeds to get very, very drunk.

It occurs to him that if he goes through with this, Sasuke is going to _despise_ him. Suddenly, America's face is superimposed over Sasuke's, and all he can hear is Sasuke/America screaming, _"you aren't my brother anymore!"_

No. After all the time and effort it had taken to be the best big brother ever, he is _not_ going to let this ruin everything.

Fugaku finds him about half an hour later, and is instantly met with flashbacks of annoying, drunk six year olds.

He is not amused.

"What are you doing?!" Fugaku barks.

"They're all assholes," England slurs. He's at the stage where it's become very hard to understand him, and considering it's only been half an hour since he'd started, it's not a good sign. "I'm…not doing it. My little brother…he's not…I won't _let_ him hate me! You hear me? I love him…and that's the one thing I'm certain about."

(Fugaku would have found this cute, if he wasn't too busy thinking, ' _oh dear god, our clan's future rests on HIS shoulders')._

"I don't…think I'm certain about many things. Like…I still don't know if I'm Protestant…or Catholic. How…how do I still not know? Or…what makes Flying Mint Bunny 'mint'? He just looks green to me…should he be Flying Green Bunny instead? Is he as confused as I am? Because I…oh god, I'm not even English anymore, am I? Fugaku…what _am_ I?"

Fugaku stares, open-mouthed.

"…Oh wait, I'm supposed to call you 'Father' aren't I? Sorry about that, but…am I England? Am I Itachi? And how can I hate this life when I'm just so…damn… _attractive!"_

"…That's _it!"_ Fugaku roars. "Control yourself! You are our pipeline to the village — "

"B-but I don't want to be!" England wails. "I just want to be a big brother!"

He then proceeds to throw up on his father's shoes.

(Fugaku decides he needs to contact the elders and tell them something is _very_ _wrong)._

...

It goes like this:

For a while, England agrees to spy on his family. He doesn't exactly agree with their plans for a coup, and he's getting a bit sick of Fugaku calling him the clans 'pipeline to the village'. He likes the idea that he's annoying the man.

Then Shisui dies, and England is _very_ unhappy about that. He _liked_ Shisui. Shisui was his chance at having a non-perverted big brother figure, and now he was _dead_. Because that _bloody_ _idiot_ Danzo ripped his eye out of his socket.

Clearly there is something very wrong with the man. England's belief of this is only doubled when Danzo proposes that he massacre his own clan.

"What?" England manages, wondering if he heard wrong.

"You will kill your clan," Danzo says, with a disturbing amount of calm, given the current topic. "The Uchiha are too dangerous to be left alive — their plans for a coup only proves this. They must be dealt with."

England swallows. "But…can't you just…arrest the people who are _involved_ in the coup? I am happy to provide you with a list."

"No," Danzo says.

"But…don't they deserve fair trials? You can't just… _kill_ everyone. Has the Hokage agreed to this?"

Danzo doesn't reply for a moment, and when he does, he completely ignores England's question. That should tell him enough.

"The Uchiha are too dangerous," Danzo says, because apparently he has a very one-track mind. "They must be dealt with."

England thinks of Sasuke, and then thinks, _'oh hell no.'_

...

England briefly considers aiding his family, because, sure, he didn't exactly agree with them, but what Danzo is proposing — _genocide_ — is not something he's going to go along with. But…he really didn't want to. And besides, what were the chances of them succeeded against the entire village? They'd probably just die anyway.

In the end, he decides there's only one thing he really cares about — Sasuke. This family is nice enough, he supposes. Fugaku is kind of annoying, but Mikoto is a lovely lady, and a suitable mother. But these won't be the first losses he's experienced, and in the end, protecting Sasuke is what really matters.

The village is also nice, but…he's only been here for thirteen years. He's spent centuries _embodying_ the very land and people of Britain, and, in his heart, he is still very much an Englishman.

So it isn't too hard to grab his little brother, and get the _hell_ out of there.

He packs a large thermos of tea, some scones, and a few other essentials, and then tells his brother that they are going on a quick trip. Sasuke beams, excited at the thought of spending quality time with his big brother.

...

So, they're on the run, and England supposes he's technically a missing-nin now.

Well. He can deal with that. He's dealt with worse in the past, and he has his little brother by his side. That's all that matters.

He tells Sasuke that they aren't going back. Sasuke seems sad, but quickly decides that he has his big brother with him, so things can't be _too_ bad.

He does however ask England _why_ they can't return. England's mind is immediately filled with thoughts of the coup and the massacre, and he decides that they really aren't child-friendly conversations.

(He truly hopes both sides find another way to deal with his issues, but it's not his problem anymore).

He finally settles on, "it's the villages fault, and the Uchiha's fault." He thinks that sums it up nicely.

Sasuke frowns slightly, and nods. England pats his head, and decides that as long as he has his little brother by his side, that's all that matters.

...

 **AU of this AU**

England is drunk, and probably saying way more than he should, but, right now, he really doesn't care.

"You know…you're probably going to die, right? You can't seriously think…you can take on the entire village. We are one clan and there are… _so_ many clans in this village."

Fugaku's eye twitches.

 _"So_ many clans," England repeats, because he's not sure if the man heard him.

"I _heard_ you!" Fugaku snaps. Well then. "I am your _father_ and your _clan head_ , and you _will_ respect me!"

"…Which one of you is my father? Because I see two of you…oh wait, do you mean one of you is my father, and one is my clan head? I…where'd the other you go?!"

(Fugaku wonders if Mikoto would be terribly upset if he disowned their son. Because _something_ needs to be done).

"…Anyway. You don't need to worry about your humiliation after the entire village crushes you, because…apparently I have to kill everyone."

"…What?"

"Yes, Danzo went crazy, and stole Shisui's eye, and now he wants me to kill everyone. You. Mother. The elderly people, the babies. Everyone." England blinks. "Oh, that doesn't sound too good…"

 _"WHAT?!"_

"…I think I'm going to be sick. Is the room supposed to be spinning this way?"

He then throws up.

Fugaku doesn't notice.

...

 **…And yet another AU of this AU**

"Okay," England says.

Danzo blinks, because he honestly hadn't expected that to be so _easy_. The boy seems fairly unbothered though, so Danzo decides he's probably just mentally unstable, and emotionally inept. It doesn't matter either way, as long as he gets what he wants — dead Uchihas, and plenty of Sharingan for the taking.

He sits down.

He smiles.

And then he dies.

England watches him for a moment, and then walks over, and pokes him experimentally. The man makes no sound. He glances sideways at Flying Mint Bunny, who is hovering near by.

"What do you think?" he asks.

"Definitely dead," Flying Mint Bunny replies.

England smiles.

Of course, Danzo's death doesn't immediately fix all of his problems. He still has the coup to deal with, and he doubted that Danzo was the only council member calling for his clan's death. But this will certainly buy him some time, and perhaps the Hokage will be easier to negotiate with.

(Also, the asshole had hurt his best friend, and had threatened his precious little brother. He was _not_ letting him get away with that).

He calls for help, screaming something about how Danzo just dropped dead out of nowhere, and he had _no_ _idea_ what was going on.

He'll probably be a suspect for a while, but it's not like they'll find anything. Danzo has no injuries, there is no poison in his system, and the truth is far too ridiculous for anyone figure out.

After all, who is going to believe that Danzo Shimura was killed by a _chair?_

England surreptitiously pats Busby's Chair, and thinks, _'thank god unwanted council members are easier to kill off than annoying nations.'_

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **So yeah…I'd originally planned for this story to be a one-shot, and this was actually the original ending. Then I decided to expand it, and decided I didn't want all the Uchiha's dying after all. However, I still wanted to write this, so this is an AU scene for how the story COULD have gone.**

 **(and then I included a bunch more, because these AU scenes are so much fun to write. And these chapters always end up so much longer than I intend).**

 **Also, the Busby's Chair thing- for those of you who haven't seen the Hetalia episode it was mentioned in, it's basically a cursed chair, that is rumoured to kill anyone who sits in it. England tries to use it on America and, predictably, it fails. I decided to include it in here because it was probably one of my favourite Hetalia episodes (and includes a scene I use as my inspiration whenever I need to write a drunk!England scene). Also, if you can't tell, I am not a Danzo fan.**

 **Anyway, thank you for all your lovely reviews, and I hope you continue to enjoy this story!**


	9. A Father's POV

**A Father's POV**

 **Fugaku and the New Uchihas**

When Itachi announces that the Kyuubi container and a pink-haired civilian girl are now members of the Uchiha clan, Fugaku wonders what he's done to deserve this.

Mikoto sighs, but doesn't say anything. In fact, she seems almost _pleased_ by this development, which makes Fugaku question the sanity of his wife. It's not a great development, considering large amounts of his time are spent worrying about the mental state of his eldest son, and worrying that his youngest would follow a similar path (Sasuke idolises Itachi, which, in Fugaku's opinion, is a very bad sign).

"Would you _stop?"_ Mikoto laughs, her voice far too light given the current situation. "I think it's cute."

Fugaku continues to glower. "She has pink hair. And he is the son of _Kushina_ _Uzumaki."_ Who cares if the boy housed the Kyuubi; this is the real concern. Fugaku doesn't make a habit of disrespecting the dead, but…he doesn't exactly have fond memories of the woman.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say — he often forgets that his kind, respectable, sane wife had been best friends with that psychopath — and Mikoto's expression darkens. _"Deal_ with it," she says.

Fugaku decides he is the Uchiha clan head, and if he doesn't want to 'deal with it' then he won't. So he decides to make his point very clear by staring ahead, mustering up his best scowl, and crossing his arms across his chest.

Mikoto rolls her eyes and walks away.

...

 **Flying Mint Bunny**

Itachi is four years old. Mikoto suggests Fugaku take him along to their next clan meeting. Fugaku is resistant, which wouldn't have just shocked him if he'd heard this four years prior — it would have had him wondering if he was losing his mind.

In Fugaku's mind, the clan is _everything_. Itachi will be clan head some day (and dear God, does that thought terrify him), and that means getting him used to things like clan meetings from a young age.

Now though…well. Fugaku's son is _strange_. For God's sake, the boy has tried to poison him on numerous occasions with those…scones. He'd have random outbursts, talk in an odd manner, and at times even converse with himself.

Taking him to an enclosed area, where the most important members of the clan were gathered, seems like the worst idea ever.

When he tells this to Mikoto, she scoffs and tells him to get over it.

So Fugaku takes his son along with him, feeling jittery and apprehensive, and at first, things seem to be going fine. The elders look approvingly at Itachi, the seemingly perfect Uchiha (although Fugaku's eye does twitch slightly at Itachi's "it's the eyebrows, isn't it?" in response to a comment about how handsome he looked), and Fugaku hurries the meeting along before Itachi can say or do something that'd have the elders worrying about the future of the clan.

Things seem to be going smoothly - and then Itachi laughs.

Fugaku's eye twitches, and he hurries along. He is a man on a mission. Get this over with, say goodbye, take Itachi home, and let him be Mikoto's problem. She's good at this. He is not.

"Oh Flying Mint Bunny, I know they sound like idiots right now, but we can't _say_ that."

Keep talking. _Keep_ _talking_ , dammit.

"Did you say something, dear?"

Fugaku winces as one of the elders addresses Itachi. His son glances up, surprised.

"Oh, did I speak aloud?" he asks, perfectly articulated as usual. Had things been different, his son's obvious intellect would have thrilled him. "Sorry, I sometimes forget myself when I'm speaking to Flying Mint Bunny. Carry on."

"Flying Mint Bunny?" Fugaku blurts out before he can stop himself.

 _'Goddammit.'_

Itachi smiles. "He's my friend. Sorry, the meeting was getting a bit boring, and Flying Mint Bunny stopped by for a visit, so I thought I would — "

"Well, I think we should wrap this up!" Fugaku says hurriedly.

One of the elders shakes her head, frowning disapprovingly. "Fugaku," she says, "I understand that Itachi is still young, but having an imaginary friend is unbecoming for the future Uchiha clan head."

"We're dealing with it," Fugaku promises, with a strained smile.

 _"Imaginary friend?"_ Itachi says, his voice rising. "Flying Mint Bunny is not _imaginary!"_

"Itachi," Fugaku says sharply.

His son glares at him. "He is _not!_ Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he isn't here. You just don't have enough magic."

Everyone stares at Itachi, their disapproval growing, and Fugaku feels the sudden urge to snap, not at his son, but at them, to say, _"He's just a child dammit, get over it."_

He doesn't do this, partially because it isn't the appropriate, dignified thing for him to do, and partially because Itachi is murmuring quietly to the empty space near his shoulder again, and there is no way in _Hell_ that Fugaku is encouraging this behaviour.

He wraps up the meeting, buys his son some dango on the way home so he will _stop talking,_ and tries to ignore the way Itachi offers some of it to the empty spot by his head.

(If he'd paid closer attention, he might have noticed the dango seemingly being devoured by the empty air).

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **Hey guys, sorry for how long it took me to get this chapter out! Hopefully you enjoy it! I'll try not to take as long with the next one.**


	10. Sasuke's Nii-san

**Sasuke's Nii-San**

It takes Sasuke a while to realise that Itachi isn't exactly what you'd call 'normal'. He considers this for a while, and decides that if anyone ever says anything bad about his brother, he'll just punch them in the face. Not that anyone would of course, because his Nii-san is amazing, weird quirks and all.

Sasuke's brother talks weird sometimes — he always sounds so grown up and posh, and even though Sasuke knows that Itachi is really grown-up, he doesn't think he's _that_ grown up. Or at least that's what Ka-san says to Itachi whenever he says something really funny, and then she tussles his hair, and he gets all annoyed and flustered.

Itachi can also be scary at times, like when he makes those weird scones. Sasuke's never tried one, because Ka-san says he shouldn't. Sasuke feels bad about that, but he's seen the aftermath — throwing up, hospital trips (poor Shisui), and decides that what Nii-san doesn't know can't hurt him.

If Sasuke has to pick, he'd say the weirdest thing about his brother was Flying Mint Bunny. Itachi says Flying Mint Bunny is there, even though no one else can see him, but Sasuke can't get over the weirdness of seeing his brother talking to empty air. He spends a long time trying to come up with ways of seeing Flying Mint Bunny for himself, until Ka-san pulls him aside, and tells him that maybe Flying Mint Bunny was something just for Itachi, and Sasuke should spend his time doing something for him — like training — instead of spending hours patting the empty air, hoping to stumble across an invisible green bunny.

"But how can he be invisible _and_ green?" Sasuke asks, confused. Ka-san sighs and pats him on the head, and Tou-san mutters something about needing a drink (he's standing right next to the sink though, so Sasuke doesn't know why he can't just pour himself a glass of water).

Sasuke never does find Flying Mint Bunny.

So yes, his nii-san can be strange at times, but mostly, he is the most amazing person ever. Sure, his scones are kind of scary, but it just means that his brother is badass at everything, even at something as boring as cooking. And Itachi is super smart, and _really_ strong, and he always takes the time to train Sasuke, even though it annoys Tou-san.

And sure, Itachi had forced him to hang around with the Dobe and the creepy fangirl, but it actually isn't too bad. The Dobe is still a dobe, but you eventually get used to how annoying he is, and Sakura isn't _terrible_ now that they actually spent a lot of time together. They still have a lot of work but…well. They aren't _that_ bad. So Sasuke doesn't think he can be too mad at his brother for making him hang out with them.

All in all, Sasuke thinks his brother is one of the weirdest people he's ever met, but he also thinks he is the most amazing. And that would never change, _ever._


	11. Naruto and Itachi

**Naruto and Itachi**

"Demon!"

"Get out of our village!"

"No one _wants_ you here!"

Naruto glances around frantically, looking for a way out. For the most part, the day had been going fairly well. Sure, he'd gotten the usual glares and hateful glances, but that was nothing unusual. Then he'd headed out, needing to buy a carton of milk, and the store keeper had refused to sell it to "a demon brat like him."

And then the angry mob had descended.

Naruto lowers his gaze, trying to block out the hateful words.

 _'Ignore them,'_ he thinks, trying to maintain that practiced, cheerful expression.

"I just want some milk," he says. "That's all. Look, I have money and everything."

"I don't _want_ your money!" the shopkeeper snaps. "Just _leave."_

"Honestly, that brat," someone grumbles. "Bothering innocent people like this, someone needs to report him to the Hokage…"

 _'Jiji likes me more than he likes you,'_ Naruto thinks spitefully, but says nothing. He knows from experience that there's no point in arguing with them. For whatever reason, they hate him, and nothing he does is going to change that.

 _'For now. But just wait until I become Hokage, and THEN they'll like me!'_

He sighs and takes a step back. They aren't going to go away, not until he leaves first, and pretending to be okay is becoming way too hard. He can feel tears stinging his eyes, and he knows that it's only practice that stops them from leaking out. He's been through this far too many times to not know how to hold them back.

He's about to walk away when a familiar voice enters the fray.

 _"What_ do you think you're doing?!"

He recognises it immediately — it's Itachi. Sasuke's big brother, and _his_ big brother now too, he supposes, although he can still hardly believe that. Itachi sounds angry, and Naruto feels a spike of fear. Itachi will hate him now. Why wouldn't he? Everyone else does, and as soon as Itachi realises that no one else likes him, he'll never want Naruto around him or Sasuke ever again.

He feels something wet on his cheeks and realises that he has begun to cry. He lowers his head, and tries to block out everything that is happening around him.

 _"What did you do?!"_ Itachi roars, and Naruto flinches. Itachi isn't talking to him though; he's yelling at the crowd of angry villagers. "Why is he crying?!"

"That demon — "

 _"What_ did you call him?!"

"He threatened her," one man yells, gesturing at the shopkeeper. "We couldn't just let him get away with it!"

"He's a child!" Itachi snaps, at the same time Naruto cries, "I just wanted to buy some milk!"

Itachi's expression darkens further.

"You can't be taking it's side!" the man continues furiously.

 _"It?!"_

And then the man is lying on the floor, groaning in pain, and Itachi is rubbing his knuckles and muttering something about "bloody thick heads,", and everyone else is backing away.

Someone tries to say something, but Itachi glares at them. Naruto notices that his eyes are red.

Itachi tosses some money on the counter, and picks up the carton of milk. No one says anything.

"Is that all you need, Naruto?" he asks, his voice soft. Naruto stares at him, eyes wide in awe, and nods his head.

Itachi takes his hand and leads him out of the store. Naruto walks beside him, staring at him the whole time.

"Bastards," Itachi mutters.

"It's okay," Naruto says, and Itachi jumps, and flushes for some reason. "I'm used to it."

"You _shouldn't_ be," Itachi grumbles. "It's not fair…"

Naruto shrugs. He's actually feeling okay about it for once. Sure, the villagers had been awful to him, but Itachi had stuck up for him, and no one ever did that. Maybe this was what it was like to have a family. Naruto feels a warm feeling bubble inside him.

"Thank you," he says.

Itachi pats his head, and smiles gently.

Naruto walks quietly beside him for a moment, but still can't shake off that feeling of uncertainty. Hesitantly, he asks, "Itachi-nii…how come you don't hate me like they do?"

"Because they're idiots," Itachi says promptly. "And they're wrong."

"They called me a demon," Naruto says, shoulders slumping. "And they told me to leave the village, and said no one wanted me here."

He wants to understand why people like Itachi and Jiji can like him, and yet so many other people don't. It's confusing, and it hurts, and he wants to know _why._

"You're not a demon," Itachi tells him, his voice firm. "Trust me. I've met demons. Russia? Now _he_ was a demon. There's a reason he showed up when I tried that summoning spell. And Belarus, _Lord_ , I think there was something seriously wrong with that family. Oh, and how could I forget Sweden, there was always something rather unsettling about him. And Prussia. That little…and _France_ , oh _Lord_ how I despised that Frog…"

Itachi catches Naruto staring at him with wide, confused eyes, and stops abruptly. "Oh, I do apologise for that, sometimes I…anyway. What I'm _trying_ to say is, those people don't know what they're talking about. You're amazing, Naruto, and the people who truly care about you know that."

Naruto thinks of the people who do care about him, no matter how few there may be, and decides that maybe Itachi is right. And besides, he'll have plenty of time to change everyone else's minds when he becomes Hokage.

For now though, maybe he can just enjoy the fact that he finally has a family.


	12. Obito Performs Some Magic

**Obito Performs Some Magic**

When Mikoto first approaches him, asking if he could babysit Itachi, Obito's first thought is to say no. He doesn't have time to look after children. He needs to focus on training more, so he can get stronger than Kakashi, and so that Rin will finally notice him.

Before he can say no, Itachi is stepping out from behind his mother's legs, looking wide-eyed, innocent, and absolutely adorable. Obito is too distracted by how damn _cute_ he is to realise that Mikoto is already a good distance away, until she calls out a quick "Thanks so much for this!" and he realises that he's stuck.

Well. He can deal with this. And besides, it's not like Mikoto would be gone for long, right? He glances down at Itachi, who is watching him quietly, his head cocked to the side, and decides that Itachi can't possibly be as bad as everyone says. Not when he looks so cute and tiny. And he's not really doing anything weird right now. Obito thinks that maybe this will be okay.

"I'm adorable, aren't I?"

Obito blinks. "Huh?"

"I'm cute." Itachi nods, calm and serious. "It's alright, no need to be embarrassed. It's simply a fact."

"Uh — sure."

Okay this kid is weird but — he can do this. This is okay.

"You're in love with Rin, aren't you?"

Oh God, he can't do this.

"What?" Obito lets out an awkward laugh and rubs the back of his neck. "Of course not, what made you think that?"

Itachi sighs. "Well, you're always staring at her, you blush every time she enters the room, you mutter things under your breath that I'm fairly certain are declarations of love to her — "

"They're not!"

Itachi looks unimpressed. "Of course they are. Flying Mint Bunny told me."

 _"_ _Who?"_

"My dearest and oldest friend," Itachi tells him, and Obito wonders if he was slightly insane. He _is_ an Uchiha, and they don't have the best track record after all. Although, Itachi was still a kid, so maybe Obito was being a bit too harsh on him. "You're in love with Rin. There's no point in denying it. My only question is — why haven't you done something about it."

"Your mum should be coming back soon," Obito says, looking around. There was no sign of Mikoto. Dammit.

"I could help you if you want," Itachi says, shrugging.

"I don't need help," Obito says, and feels a small spark of curiosity that he tries his best to ignore. Itachi is just a kid — what does he know about love?

"I know that you think Rin likes Kakashi more," Itachi counters.

Obito stiffens. "How do you know that?"

"Flying Mint Bunny heard you muttering about it."

Seriously, who _was_ this Flying Mint Bunny?

Itachi shrugs. "Maybe I can go ask _Kakashi_ if he wants my help instead. He seems like an upstanding, reasonable fellow."

"Upstanding — like _hell_ he is!" Obito says. "Listen to yourself, you little traitor! You're an Uchiha, you're supposed to be on my side!"

Oh who's he kidding - since when have the Uchihas _ever_ been on his side?

Itachi grins. "So you'll except my help after all?"

Obito stares at him for a moment, and then sighs and reluctantly nods his head. Oh what the hell, why not? What's the worst that could happen — he's stuck babysitting for a while anyway.

…

"I feel stupid."

"Just _leave it!_ Stop messing with the flowers, you'll break the wreath!"

"I feel _really_ stupid, Itachi. Can I get these things off my head?"

"No! Now say the words I told you to say, and take my hands and — "

"I'm not dancing!"

"It's a _spell!_ You _need_ to chant the words and form a circle — obviously having more people present would work far better, but we'll make do with what we had — and then move slowly in a clockwise motion while doing so. And _leave that damn wreath on your head, we need it for the spell to work!"_

"What the hell is this?"

Obito yelps and spins around, simultaneously yanking the flower wreath of his head. Kakashi stands behind them, looking at them incredulously.

"I'm babysitting!"

Kakashi snorts. "Are you sure _you're_ the one doing the babysitting?"

"We're performing a love spell," Itachi tells Kakashi, after shooting a quick glare at Obito. "We're trying to make — "

"He wanted to play, that's all," Obito says, ruffling Itachi's hair. The boy scowls and moves away from him, obviously still annoyed about his spell or whatever being interrupted. Kakashi didn't move. "Go away Bakashi! Mind your own business."

"Hello," Itachi says, nodding at Kakashi. "Perhaps _you'd_ like my help with — "

"Come _on_ Itachi," Obito says, and drags him away from Kakashi as quickly as he can. Kakashi continues to watch them, looking slightly bored.

Itachi looks annoyed. "Where are we going?"

"We're looking for your mum," Obito says. This kid may be adorable, but he was obviously crazy, and Obito was _not_ agreeing to babysit again anytime soon.

 **...**

 **AN:**

 **Well this took me a ridiculously long time to get out...sorry for the long wait guys! Hope I still have some readers left after all this time haha.**


	13. England and Mikoto

**England and Mikoto**

It doesn't take England long to decide that one of the best things about this new world (besides his adorable little brother, his new adorable little colonies — which came without the added pressure/grief of being actual colonies - and his fabulous new eyebrows) is Mikoto Uchiha.

His new mother is _amazing._ And this is coming from someone who has zero experience with mothers, and way too much experience with a bunch of awful, loud, drunken, annoying relatives (not that many of the Uchihas of this time are better, but at least England likes enough of them that he can ignore the more frustrating of the lot).

Mikoto is strong, kind, and an amazing cook, even if he _would_ prefer some nice, hearty English dishes. She makes him cute packed lunches, and brushes out his hair at night before bed (his long, silky, glorious locks of hair — oh, it was everything he could've dreamed off when he was a young nation, trying his best to grow out his hair only to find out that, for all his efforts, he'd ended up with a giant bush on his head).

She handles his new father with an ease that England hasn't seen from anyone else. To him, that's one of the most impressive things about her, because if there's one thing he has learnt about his new life, it's that Fugaku Uchiha can be an insufferable _git_.

(He'll admit, he _is_ fond of the man, but his insistence that Flying Mint Bunny isn't real is more than a little annoying).

So yes. Over the years, England has come to see this quaint little village as home. Maybe it'll never be Britain, and maybe he'll always miss having that special connection with the land and the people around him — maybe he'll always miss _certain people,_ that he wouldn't in a million years ever admit to missing out loud — but that doesn't mean he can't grow to love another place as well.

And of all the places he could have been reincarnated into, he supposed it could've been worse. He could've been reborn as an American. Or…a _Frenchman._

So yes, it could've been _a_ _lot_ worse. At least he got an amazing little brother and a wonderful mother out of the deal.

It also helps that she likes his scones.

...

 **Mikoto and Itachi**

Mikoto hates Itachi's scones, but of course she'd never tell him that. It's one of the many things she's learnt over the years. She counts it among some of her greatest skills — excellent skill with a sword, a terrifying brilliance at interrogation, excellent control over her sharingan, and a very adept knowledge of how to deal with her oldest son.

Not many people can say that they've mastered that last skill. Mikoto likes to think that she is the first, and she makes sure that Sasuke will be her successor.

She adores her son, but she's long since learnt that dealing with Itachi takes a certain amount of care. For instance, even the slightest hint that a person did not like his cooking would probably end with a loud tantrum, broken plates, and declarations of war (Mikoto really needs to stop this last habit, because it's all well and good when he's still young, but she doesn't like the idea of her son threatening shinobi from _other_ villages with war. She just can't see it ending well). Mikoto decides that a little white lie can't hurt, and simply throws the offending objects in the nearest hiding spot (like out a window, or a dark little corner for the rats to find).

It's simple. That way, Itachi's feelings are intact, and her insides are intact. A win win situation for everyone, and something that her husband and family have yet to master, for whatever reason.

Mikoto has also become a master at dealing with his constant barrage of questions. It gets easier as he gets older, but Itachi goes through a phase as a child where he just won't _stop._ They're the strangest questions too, and she can't figure out where they're coming from. Asking him will most likely to lead to more confusion, so she decides that the best strategy for dealing with them is to bullshit her way through them, and just hope he doesn't figure out.

Her son is very smart, considered a prodigy even at a young age, but apparently he can also be very naive when it comes to these things. Mikoto thinks it's adorable, and often can't resist squishing his cheeks. She can't help it — Uchiha make extremely adorable kids, and Itachi definitely takes after her.

"Mum," he asks one day, "if we're all Japanese, why don't most of the village look Japanese?"

That one is relatively easy to deal with. "Because we're not Japanese," she tells him, while inwardly thinking, _'What the hell does that even mean?'_

Itachi considers this, and then nods his head, content with this answer, and hurries away. Mikoto counts that as a win.

The questions don't stop.

"You don't think my eyebrows will grow thicker later on, do you?"

"No, of course not dear. Uchiha eyebrows don't grow very thick." Well, that's not completely untrue, is it? They all seem to have fairly delicate features, at least from what she's seen.

"Mum, what if I don't want to be a ninja? What if I'd rather be a…pirate? Or a magician?"

 _'Then, my darling, your father would probably have a heart attack and we'd end up with a pirate or a magician as the clan head.'_

"You can be whatever you want to be," she tells him, deciding that the likelihood of him not becoming a shinobi is pretty low.

"Mum, do you think Shisui end up being a pervert like the Frog?"

 _'He better not be or I'll kill him myself. Also, who the hell is the Frog?'_

"No sweetie. Shisui is a very nice boy."

"Mum, what if my new little brother declares war on me and then dumps all my tea into a harbour?"

She takes a moment to consider that one, because she has no idea where the hell it came from, and it seems like an oddly specific scenario.

In the end she simply says, "Everyone gets a little nervous about becoming a big brother or sister. You'll love your new little sibling."

At least she hopes so. She's never had a younger sibling herself, so she doesn't really know.

Itachi looks unconvinced, but Mikoto's sure things will work out in the end (or at least she really, _really_ hopes they will).

Mikoto's son is strange, and nothing like she ever imagined a child of her's would be like, and she completely and utterly adores him.


	14. Jiraiya vs England

**Jiraya vs England**

"The _weirdest_ thing just happened to me," Jiraiya declares, bursting into the room.

Minato glances up from the couch, and the ever-growing pile of paperwork in front of him (Kushina had convinced him to take a day off, but somehow that had turned into working from home — he's sure she won't be happy when she comes home and finds him doing anything but sitting back and relaxing, like she'd firmly ordered him to do) and gives him a smile. "Sensei. Hi."

"Kid, seriously. It was _weird."_ He throws himself down on the couch beside Minato, and some of the papers fall to the floor. Minato bites back a sigh.

Jiraiya continues to speak.

"So I've been back in the village since this morning, and this kid just kept following me around. Literally everywhere I went, he was a few steps behind. Hiding behind trees, behind bushes — and he was _really_ bad at it, I knew he was there the whole time — "

Minato raises an eyebrow. "And you didn't ask him why he was following you?"

"I was curious, okay? I figured he might be a fan of mine or something. I _am_ a Sannin."

Minato blinks. "Okay. Was he a fan?"

Jiraiya grimaces. "No — look, I'm getting to that. So I made my way over to one of the bathhouses — "

"…Even though you knew a kid was following you?"

"Hey, I didn't _ask_ the brat to stalk me. Anyway, I'm just having a quick look inside — "

Minato bites back a sigh and thinks, _'Sensei, really?'_

" — and suddenly the kid bursts out from behind a bush and starts yelling all this crazy stuff about frogs and perverts, and — something called French? I don't know, but all the noise he was making made _everyone_ come running out. They threw me out! But not before trying to kill me — can you believe that?"

Minato gives him a flat look.

"I _know_ right? Anyway so I ask the kid what the hell he thinks he's doing, and he says that he knew it was me, and that my toads had apparently given me away? And he said he'd read my book. I thought he meant Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi, but no, he was talking about Icha Icha. Because some brat who looks like he can't be older than four is reading _Icha Icha,_ and apparently _I'm_ the pervert here."

Minato's brow furrows. He thinks about who his former sensei could be talking about, but his mind comes up blank.

"How'd he look?" he asks.

"Really short," Jiraiya says, scowling. "Black hair, kind of long, black eyes — kind of looks like an Uchiha, come to think of it…"

Minato frowns. The description sounds really familiar, but he can't quite put his finger on who it is. Probably an Uchiha from the description, but which one?

" — So I'm trying to ask the kid what the hell he's talking about, and he keeps saying 'I know it's you, you can't lie to me' — and so I tried to figure out who he thought I was, and he kept calling me 'France' whoever the hell _that_ is. Shit — did the kid mistake me for someone else? Seriously? _Me?"_

The door opens and Kushina walks in. Kushina's best friend, Mikoto, walks in next to her, and there's a smaller figure clutching at Mikoto's hand.

Minato's brain stutters to a halt, and he thinks, _'Oh.'_

Well, he doesn't know Itachi Uchiha well, but from what he has heard, it kind of makes sense? He never would've taken the kid as an Icha Icha fan though. He wonders if Fugaku knows.

"Mum, let go of me!" Itachi says, squirming as Mikoto grips firmly onto his hand. "I need to be out looking for that perverted frog! You have _no idea_ what he's capable of — "

He glances up, and his eyes zero on Jiraiya.

They both speak at the same time. _"You!"_

Kushina looks between Jiraiya and Itachi, her brow furrowed. "You…know each other?"

 _"You!"_ Jiraiya says again, leaping to his feet. "You got me kicked out of the bathhouse!"

Kushina turns to Minato, bewildered. "Uh, what did I miss?"

"I don't even know," Minato tells her, shaking his head. Seriously, nothing in this situation makes much sense, and he likes to think he has pretty great observational skills.

"What did I even do to you?" Jiraiya demands. "I just write the books, I didn't _ask_ you to read them."

"What?" Kushina says.

 _"What?"_ Mikoto says, dangerously.

"He means the Gutsy Shinobi," Minato tells Mikoto, because he's seen Kushina's best friend in action, and she's honestly kind of terrifying. He's pretty sure that if he doesn't defuse the situation, she's probably going to try and claw Jiraiya's eyes out.

"Let me tell you the story of how I came across that _atrocious_ Icha Icha series," Itachi says, because he obviously doesn't give a damn about Jiraiya's survival. "I was looking in local bookstores, trying to find _something_ to read because, goddammit, I _miss_ my literature. But there was _nothing —_ this place seems devoid of good literature. Instead I simply find piles of books on how to be a good _ninja,_ and the history of this blasted village _—_ dammit I don't want to know about any of that _,_ I just want a good thriller, or comedy, or mystery, or maybe a nice book of poetry! Would that be so bad?"

He's started gesturing wildly with his hands. Minato, Jiraiya and Kushina stare at him, open mouthed. Mikoto seems calmer now, and is eyeing her son with exasperated fondness.

"And then I came across _those books —_ and I thought, why not? They sounded like a nice little set of romance tales to assuage my boredom somewhat. Things have been terribly boring lately, what with Shisui out of the village, and Mum refusing to allow me to have anymore dango."

"You don't need all that sugar, sweetie," Mikoto tells him calmly.

Itachi huffs but continues his tale. "So anyway, I thought, why not? I stole some money from Dad's emergency stash — "

 _"Itachi!"_

" — and bought the lot of them. I read them…and I was horrified."

Jiraiya winces. "Well, I think that's a bit harsh — "

 _"Obviously_ only a true pervert could write such tales. I decided to do some research on the author, simply because this seems to be quite a small village, and I was sure I'd bump into them at some point. I wanted to tell them _exactly_ what I thought about their ridiculous books."

 _"Ridiculous?_ Kid, I swear — "

"And then I found out that it was _you!_ Jiraiya, a Sannin — which really didn't mean much to me — but do you know what _did_ matter? You could apparently summon _toads!"_

He pauses dramatically. Everyone stared at him, uncomprehending.

"It took a moment for it to click, but then it all made sense. Toads — of course! They're quite close to _frogs_ aren't they?"

He directs the question at Jiraiya, his tone derisive. Jiriya looks bewildered. "Uh, I guess?"

"It made me think, _really_ think, and I realised that it all made sense. After all, I couldn't be the only one who had ended up here, right? And it would make sense that, out of everyone, I would be unlucky enough to get stuck here with _you._ Tell me, was the use of toads intentional? They are quite similar to frogs, after all, and it makes sense that you'd want me to know it was you."

"Or perhaps it was really the opposite, and this was a poor attempt at hiding in plain sight! Unfortunately, your perverted behaviour gave you away. I followed you around the whole village today, observing your behaviour, and I'm _sure_ that it's you!"

Itachi takes a deep breath, and then crosses his arms over his chest, staring expectantly at Jiraiya.

Minato glances at his former sensei and sees that he looks too stunned to say anything.

"Well, Frog? Nothing to say?"

"Uh…" Jiraiya's mouth opens and closes for a moment, before he settles on, "You're actually insane?"

"He's a _kid,"_ Kushina says, rolling her eyes. "Besides, you are a pervert."

Itachi takes a few steps forward, his eyes narrowed dangerously. He actually looks kind of adorable, and Minato would focus on this a lot more if he wasn't so confused. "Well, Frog, what's it going to be? Now that you know I'm on to you, what will you do? Try to declare war on me? Conquer my land? Make fun of my hair? Well guess what — this is a different world, there is _nothing_ for you to conquer, no colonies for you to steal, and these — " He jabs a hand towards his head, " — silky, luxurious locks are _so much better than yours."_

Jiraiya blinks. "Um…good for you kid?"

"Oh, you can play innocent all you want, but I know who you really are!"

Mikoto snaps out of her stupor, and reaches out to grab onto Itachi's arm.

"Okay, that's it," she tells him, her voice stern. "We're going home, and you're going to tell me _exactly_ why you've been reading things that you _really_ shouldn't be reading at your age."

"But _mum!"_ Itachi protested, turning his attention to her. "I was investigating."

"You can investigate in your room — where you'll be going to as soon as we get home, and where you'll be staying in for the rest of the day. No lunch, no _tea."_

Itachi's eyes widen in horror. "No! You can't do that!"

"I can, and I will."

"You — _you're just like America!_ Trying to take my tea away from me — well it didn't work then, and it won't work this time either!"

Mikoto sighs. "Sweetie, I've told you before, I don't know who America is. And you're still grounded."

 _"Gah!"_

Jiraiya lets out a snort of laughter, which cuts of abruptly when Mikoto levels a dangerous glare in his direction.

After Itachi and Mikoto have left, Jiraiya shudders. "That woman is beautiful, but strangely terrifying."

"Yup, that's my best friend," Kushina says, cheery and proud. "Also — Itachi is one weird kid. Cute, but really weird."

Minato decides that he completely agrees.


End file.
